Arnold, welcome to the club! When did a domestic help become a man’s object of fantasy

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Will he be back?

Arnold, welcome to the club! I’ve been through a divorce myself, and I totally get it. Women — you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them tolerating your constant infidelity while you father a secret baby with the maid — am I right? Look, I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you’re going to be okay. You see, when a relationship ends after 25 years, it’s like a death, and there’s a rhythm to the grieving process. Buck up pal, there’s a mere five stages between today’s pain and tomorrow’s clarity and guilt-free grab ass with the help!

Stage 1 — Denial: This stage is temporary, and I imagine you’ll work through it quickly once you realize that the TMZ camera crew isn’t going anywhere. According to the classic model, denial is often replaced with a heightened awareness of the individuals left behind after the loss, i.e. that kid who’s spent the last 10 years calling you Uncle Arnie.

Stage 2 — Anger: This is when you get together with your bros to talk trash about chicks. You say you’re actually glad that Skeletor Shriver (take it — it’s yours) is finally gone, Sly and Dolph take turns drunk dialing Brigitte Nielsen, and you all tell Van Damme– again — that of course you wanted him in The Expendables, but couldn’t find his email. Then you do shots of HGH, laughing that at least none of you is Seagal!

Stage 3 — Bargaining: Do yourself a favor and skip this, “I’d do anything if only we’d lasted until…” step. You got out at the right time after a great run — the kids are grown (oops! — old enough to know they should side with mommy), and you made it to 25 years and for 10 of them got away with a live-in baby mama. Mr. Olympia indeed! Plus, in exchange for assuming the role of Not Husband of the Year, we all get to stop hating Jesse James a little bit. Maybe he’ll build you a new bike!

Stage 4 — Depression: A little down? Of course you are — you’re not good at playing the bad guy and you haven’t taken a blow like this since the reviews for Jingle All The Way. But look at the upside — you may be the fading pop culture reference and serial philanderer who played at politics while his constituency suffered, but if you were a citizen those would the credentials that put you on the 2012 ticket alongside Newt Gingrich! Yes, you’re 63 and every day looking more and more like K.D. Lang, but you’ve still got your health — no way Maria’s Hyannis Port goons can take half of that! (I don’t think.)

Stage 5 — Acceptance: Just because this is happening doesn’t mean you can’t come out the other side wiser and ready for your next starring role as America’s most eligible “Bachelornator!” (I already bought this domain name — we should talk.)

Remember Arnold, love is more resilient than any “metal man,” and a franchise that can sustain an infinite number of sequels. But why not play it safe and freshen up your image? I say drop the whole uptight Orange County Republican thing and go back to the ‘roiding, weed-steeped foreigner we all originally fell in love with. I’d be happy to write your Match.com ad. (Though I registered the “Bachelornator” handle there, too — seriously, make me an offer.) I just know that in no time at all … “you’ll be back!” (I had to, just once.)

After a domestic maid accused actor Shiney Ahuja for allegedly raping her, it struck that the issue that was till now the domain of the West has come closer home. In the past many Hollywood stars have been accused of sharing a ‘special bond’ with their house maids. Take the case of Uma Thurman’s husband Ethan Hawke who divorced the actress to be with their nanny. Actor Jude Law cheated on fiancé Sienna Miller by having an affair with his family’s nanny. He reasoned it out by saying that he didn’t like Sienna’s partying ways. Even Hollywood’s hottest couple could not stay unaffected by the nanny brigade. Angelina Jolie fired their kids’ nanny because she caught actor Brad Pitt getting too close for comfort. Few years back Aditya Pancholi was also accused of having consensual sex with his maid, promising her a fruitful career.
Even telly is not far behind – In a much talked about episode of Desperate Housewives , Lynette fires her dream nanny just because her husband found her attractive. Movie, No Entry had a similar scene where Lara Dutta who plays the role of an obsessed wife fires her domestic help since she dresses provocatively and looks attractive. This proves that the concept is not new.
While this brings to forefront the case of rising infidelity (in the hands of maids), it also grabs attention to the nanny brigade. So far they have been doing home’s dirty work and considered undesirable, how did they become a man’s object of fantasy? “Men usually don’t feel attracted to maid because of her looks or anything. One reason could be that amidst all the commotion and fast paced life around him, a maid is someone who comes across as a woman who’s calm, not needy, non threatening, non competitive unlike other women surrounding him,” opines psychologist Deepak Vohra. He goes on to add, “Also the reason that a domestic maid never raises her voice or snaps makes a man feel more in control and ready to take on his beastly intentions.”

With Thursday’s announcement that he’d be putting his Hollywood career “on hold,” Arnold Schwarzenegger has left the world to wonder whether there’ll ever be another Terminator movie. Certainly plenty of movie stars have weathered scandal in the past, and some have gone on to become even bigger than they were before — just ask the indestructible Iron Man, Robert Downey Jr. Not everyone’s fared so well, though. A look back at Hollywood’s history reveals that the town isn’t always as forgiving as Schwarzenegger might hope.

The history of career-killing scandal goes at least as far back as the early 1920s, when Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle, one of the biggest comedy stars of the day, threw a party where a woman ended up dying of a ruptured stomach. The conjecture was that the 300-pound Arbuckle had raped her and crushed her with his weight. He went through three different trials (and was ultimately acquitted) while Hollywood did nothing to support him; the studio heads were angry because he’d gone on a vacation instead of doing promotional work for them, so they made him the scapegoat for a plague of scandal sweeping through Hollywood, and refused to release his movies. He made a slight comeback in the early ’30s, signing a new contract with Warner Brothers right before dying of a heart attack at the age of 46.

Ingrid Bergman fared considerably better, but she got on Hollywood’s bad side too. In the late 1940s she went to Italy to make a movie with Roberto Rossellini.

She was married. He was married. A great love affair ensued. When she became pregnant by Rossellini (with Isabella), people were shocked. Especially American people. This was a woman who’d played Joan of Arc and a nun — for the country’s moral and religious groups, who wielded a lot of political power at the time, the thought that she of all people would have a child out of wedlock was too much to bear. She was censured on the floor of the U.S. Congress and couldn’t come back to America for years. “Hollywood wouldn’t touch her,” said James Robert Parish, the author of “The Hollywood Book of Scandals.”

A lesser-known star who became the victim of a particularly ugly scandal was George Nader, a handsome actor who was friends with the much-more-celebrated beefcake Rock Hudson. Both Nader and Hudson were gay, but only Nader lost his career because of it. When a magazine threatened to publish compromising pictures of Hudson with a paramour, the studio traded Nader’s career for Hudson’s, paying the magazine to leave Hudson alone and out Nader’s homosexuality instead.

These days it’s a little harder to get cast out of Hollywood — simply being gay or having an affair won’t cut it anymore. In most cases you have to make a real nuisance of yourself, which plenty of stars seem to have no trouble doing. There’s Charlie Sheen, obviously. And Mel Gibson, who, as Parish put it, is “so vocal in his outrageousness that he lost favor with the public.” And then there’s Lindsay Lohan, whom Parish described as being “condemned by her own stupidity.”

So will Arnold’s future in Hollywood end up looking more like Downey’s comeback or Gibson’s downfall? “I think he’s shrewd enough and his people are shrewd enough to survive this,” Parish said.

Ingrid Bergman

Her affair with Roberto Rossellini shocked moralists.

Mel Gibson

An audio recording captured him telling his girlfriend she needed a “bat to the side of the head.”

Charlie Sheen

Winning?

Lindsay Lohan

“Condemned by her own stupidity.”

Winona Ryder

Sticky fingers.

Celebs caught in ‘maid

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When Kate Winslet recently made a statement that she doesn’t want to keep a nanny, the world was taken by surprise. But going by the recent spate of events of Bollywood actor Shiney Ahuja being booked for allegedly raping his maid, Kate’s seems like the sanest decision. But he’s not the only one falling into the nanny trap, we get you through some of some of the most talked about nanny effects!
16 Jun, 2009
Till now the nanny obsession was seen more in West, reason being they have young pretty things working as nannies. But India is observing a similar trend. A recent survey also revealed that men feel more attracted to average looking women than sexy toned bodies. Log onto Google and you will find many searches on X-rated, pornographic ‘maid’ stories, videos and graphics. “The very fact that there exists such content online proves that maid is considered an object of fantasy. It also encourages and entices other men to feel normal in getting attracted to a domestic help,” says PR Manager Anand Mahesh.
Many men also perceive these maids in India as prominicuous. They feel she would be sleeping for money. “Not only that if you observe the way these maids work- putting ample cleavage on display, bending and making a posture that would entice any man. And with the common image of these harmless women, men feel like overpowering them. It’s like unleashing the beast within that they know their wife or their girlfriend won’t tolerate,” opines dermatologist Shuruchi Verma.
But what happens to relationships after a woman realises her man’s new found fantasy? Most of them never see the daylight. Actress Pooja Bedi says, “When I got to know that my then boyfriend Aditya Pancholi had consensual sex with my maid, I was horrified. I just could not see any sense in it. But I knew one thing that I can’t tolerate infidelity. There is nothing more terrible than this. I immediately dumped him.” Adds line producer Sukriti Katyal, “If I ever get to know my man’s sexual inclination towards a maid, it will make me feel sick. But honestly I have seen women around me carefully hiring their maids- because whether she admits or not there is an iota of anxiety to have a sexy maid roam around your house. It gives a sense of insecurity.”
The fact is that men don’t really fall in love with a maid but feel like exploring the alternative world of headless, harmless women. A word of advice to all the women out there- choose your maid with care!
Where Have All the Fathers Gone?
A devastating epidemic is leaving a trail of broken hearts and broken dreams in its wake. What is this tragic outbreak? It’s the epidemic of disappearing fathers, who are sorely needed.
by Mario Seiglie
As soon as they heard the door open, the two young girls jumped up and began yelling, “Daddy’s home, Daddy’s home!” No longer quietly sitting with Mommy, their heartbeats were now racing and their eyes widened, anticipating playtime with their father.
Soon he was tossing them up and down, and they squealed with laughter when he acted like a big bear. Their mother sat by, watching with delight and amusement, ready to calm things down should the horsing around get too rough.
Who would’ve thought such a scene could be in danger of disappearing?
Disappearance of the intact family
Sadly, it’s come to the point in many countries that fewer children than ever will have the opportunity to grow up in a home with both a father and a mother. According to the latest statistics, only a third of the children in the United States will reach age 18 with both biological parents living at home.
“Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation,” warns social historian David Blankenhorn. “It is the leading cause of declining child well-being in this society. It is also the engine driving our most urgent social problems, from crime to adolescent pregnancy to child sex abuse to domestic violence against women” (Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem, 1995, p. 1).
With U.S. divorce rates hovering just below 50 percent and the resultant single-parent households alarmingly on the rise, it’s no wonder that only a minority of kids can count on living with both Mom and Dad. Usually, it’s the father who doesn’t stick around and leaves the mom to rear the kids by herself—which is a distinct disadvantage for the children. (See “What Happened to Dad?”)
How important is the role of the father in child rearing? New studies have shown that dads, who normally are not given as much credit as moms in child rearing, actually play a vital role in the upbringing of children and their future success. Amazingly, this research reinforces the same principles written in the Bible thousands of years ago! Let’s look at some of the evidence.
“And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
The Bible describes the ideal father as actively and tenderly engaged in his children’s rearing and education.
Yes, his masculine child-rearing tactics often include horseplay with the kids that can annoy and cause anxiety in Mom, the maintainer of domestic peace and order. Yet his rowdiness actually fulfills a vital role in the children’s social, physical and intellectual skills in school and beyond.
“Children’s social, physical, and intellectual development benefit greatly from the involvement of fathers,” observes Yale child psychiatrist Kyle Pruett (quoted by Judsen Culbreth, “What Dads Are Made Of,” Reader’s Digest, June 2005, p. 72A). The intellectual gains are noticeable from the first year of life and continue on past high school.
“By eight weeks,” Dr. Pruett explains, “infants can anticipate differences in maternal and paternal handling styles … When infants were approached by their mother, they slowed and regulated their heart and respiratory rates, relaxed their shoulders, and lowered their eyelids (Ahh … Mom). When the father approached, the infant’s heart and respiratory rates quickened, shoulders hunched up, and eyes widened and brightened (Dad’s here … party time!)” ( Fatherneed: Why Father Care Is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child, 2000, p. 25).
A father’s playfulness helps his children develop motor skills, hand-eye coordination, balance and confidence. I remember teaching my four daughters at an early age to ride a bike, snow ski, roller-skate, snorkel and enjoy many other types of sports. Their favorite time as children was when we invented games like the helicopter ride, with me whirling them with my feet like the blades of a helicopter, and the volcano, where they would fall from my knees into the bed. Such activities created a lasting bond between us and helped them lose their fears about taking on new challenges.
Child studies show that this kind of rough-and-tumble play helps children develop social and emotional experiences that prepare them for school. For instance, they learn to be confident, to take turns and to become leaders. “Kids who learn these early social skills from their fathers do better with peers,” says Dr. Ross Parke, professor of psychology and author of Fatherhood (quoted by Culbreth,
p. 72B).
Conversely, the lack of a father figure tends to leave kids more passive and fearful. Child research indicates that it is the closeness felt by the child to the father that is most predictably associated with a positive life outcome 25 years later.
“Children who feel a closeness to their fathers are twice as likely as those who do not to enter college or find stable employment after high school, 75 percent less likely to have a teen birth, 80 percent less likely to spend time in jail, and half as likely to experience multiple depression symptoms” (Pruett, p. 38).
Researchers further found that “both sons and daughters of the dad-involved group [in the study] had higher levels of verbal skills,” with the boys’ IQ being “positively associated with their father’s nurturing, (appropriate emotional and behavioral response to child’s needs) and, interestingly, negatively associated with their father’s disciplinary restrictiveness.
“Boys with nurturing fathers scored higher than the boys whose fathers were less involved unless the father was a strict, authoritarian disciplinarian” (pp. 43-44). So, although discipline has its place, when it becomes harsh and overbearing, as the Bible warns against, it yields negative results.
“My son, pay attention to my wisdom; lend your ear to my understanding” (Proverbs 5:1).
Mothers normally give care and comfort while fathers focus more on teaching children about the world around them. Notice, for example, that when mothers pick up a baby, they usually have the infant face her—whereas fathers often pick up children so they can look outward, and explore what is in front of them. Dads are “wired” to play a very important role to separate children so they don’t become too absorbed in their mother’s world.
“It is in the toddler years, from 1 1/2 to about 3 1/2,” says Dr. Pruett, “that fathers play one of the most critical roles they ever play in the life of their child: helping the child safely and securely separate from the intense maternal dependency of infancy.
“Healthy though dependency on their mother is for children at the beginning of their life, they will not experience, let alone practice, their own competence and mastery skills if they do not strike off in search of their own physical and emotional autonomy. And in this world, you, the father, are the expert guide” (pp. 83-84).
Actively involved dads, who let their children explore the outside world and teach them about the marvels of nature, will help them develop curiosity and self-esteem. “Infants who have been well fathered during the first eighteen to twenty-four months of life are more secure than those who were not in exploring the world around them, and they do so with vigor and interest. They tend to be more curious and less hesitant or fearful, especially in the face of novel or unusual stimuli” (Pruett, p. 41).
Eventually these exploratory skills will become crucial in school and the workplace. People who are inquisitive, socially developed and not afraid to try different methods will have an easier time excelling as challenges arise. After all, Dad already taught them how to deal in the real world, how to overcome frustrations and figure things out for themselves.
“Fathers can affect how well their children progress in school, which subjects they prefer and even the kinds of occupations they choose,” says Dr. Parke. “Whether a child prefers reading and hates math or aspires to be a physicist or an engineer rather than a book critic or a historian is affected by the father’s attitudes, encouragement and other behavior” ( Fatherhood, 1996, p. 156).
Studies done in the 1960s about the effect fathers had on their children surprised even the researchers. For example, they found the amount of time fathers spend reading with their children is a strong predictor for many intellectual abilities—in particular, of the daughters’ verbal skills. Remarkably, the same study did not find mothers reading to children to have similar effects, indicating there was something unique in the father’s role of reading to them.
For example, women who were high achievers, such as Margaret Thatcher and Indira Ghandi, former prime ministers of Britain and India , respectively, mention they were highly influenced and encouraged by their fathers in their academic and political careers.
Another important role in which the father excels is teaching children about spiritual and moral values. When the father is a good role model of morality, children respect both of their parents more. If the father establishes rules that are fair and a level playing field in which the children can flourish, they tend to be more obedient. But when the mother sets the rules, children tend to defy them more.
“Sons of fathers who took more responsibility for limit setting, discipline, and helping their child with personal problems and schoolwork,” adds Dr. Pruett, “had significantly higher empathy [having feelings of sympathy and compassion for others] scores … Father deprivation is directly linked to difficulties in a child’s self-control” (Pruett, pp. 48, 51).
“But did He not make [husbands and wives] one …? And why one? He seeks godly offspring” (Malachi 2:15).
When God united Adam and Eve, the first two human beings, in marriage, He told them to multiply and fill the earth. God had carefully designed the family unit so children would be reared between two parents who would act as opposite (masculine and feminine) poles.
The child would then be in the middle of this union, receiving equal influence from both parents. An analogy would be of a metal ball suspended between two magnetic poles. Similarly, each parent exerts his or her unique influence so the child is reared to have a balanced and full personality.
Researchers have confirmed that actively involved male and female parents are ideal for bringing up balanced and mature children. Here are some of their findings:
• Children yearn deeply for dads and are born with a drive to find and connect with their fathers and not only with their mothers.
• Fathers have the internal capacity or instinct to respond to their child’s desire to connect.
• Men and women do not differ in the depth of love toward their children.
• Each child is loved in a unique way by the father and the mother.
• The desire to feel emotionally connected to their children throughout life is the same for men and women, though it may find
differing forms of expression.
• Fathers and mothers are equally able to interpret their child’s behavioral cues.
• Fathers and mothers are equally anxious about leaving the child to the care of someone else.
• With the exception of lactation, there is no evidence women are biologically predisposed to be better parents than men.
• Men who become active fathers gain in their ability to understand themselves and others.
• A father who is deeply involved with his children experiences beneficial health results.
• A father present at childbirth is the single most important factor that protected against birth complications and further illness or trauma in the newborn.
• Parental love that overindulges a child usually results in selfishness.
One encouraging trend in Western society is the number of parents who now want to coparent, or share in the physical and emotional care of their children as well as in the responsibilities and decision making. Instead of leaving it to Mom to basically rear the children, now more fathers want to become actively involved.
In a long-term survey of newly married couples who were asked to rank certain values in their marriage, coparenting has moved from the 11th priority out of 15 in 1981 to the second priority in 1997, a surprising shift in values in less than one generation.
“Men from Wall Street to homeless shelters,” says Dr. Pruett, “speak with conviction about wanting to father their children more actively than they themselves were fathered. As a senior manager at the investment house Goldman Sachs puts it, ‘I don’t want my son to feel the same void in his heart where his father belongs that I do in mine'” (p. 1).
“And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the earth with a curse” (Malachi 4:6).
We see here that God is very concerned with preserving families. It’s interesting that in the scripture above, it is the hearts of the fathers that must first turn to the children, before the children’s hearts are then turned toward their fathers.
How can the hearts of fathers be turned to their children? An important way is taking an active role in their children’s lives!
Simply reading to them has been shown to make a big difference in improving children’s verbal skills. Playing with them, so that they feel the warmth, tenderness and masculine good humor of a father, goes a long way to establishing those bonds of closeness that have been shown to determine such positive outcomes in the future.
Taking children out for a walk and pointing out all the wondrous living things around them will arouse their curiosity and kindle their thirst for knowledge. Showing them how to overcome their fears by tackling physical challenges, such as how to ride a bike or take up a sport, helps create confidence, sociability, physical coordination and perseverance that are so valuable in school and the workplace.
Teaching them strong moral values is also another way fathers turn their hearts to the children. It’s wonderful for sons or daughters to be able to turn to Dad for moral guidelines and see their father love their mother and become a role model for them.
Fathers are also ideally suited to develop logic skills in their children so they can understand not only what they should do in a given situation, but why they should do it. The Bible is a marvelous source in this regard, for not only does it reveal true moral and spiritual principles, but it also explains from God’s point of view why they should be followed and what happens when they are and when they aren’t.
On the other side, how can children’s hearts be turned toward their fathers? Again, the best source to begin searching for the answer is the Bible, which says this turning of the heart begins with parents following God’s example in His love for His children and by children honoring, obeying and loving their parents.
After all, the Fifth Commandment instructs a child to “honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land” (Exodus 20:12). According to God, both parents should be involved in child rearing, and the children should show equal respect for both of them.
As research has confirmed, there’s nothing better than God’s original design of a loving father and mother, along with an extended family, rearing their children in His ways. Dr. Parke states it succinctly when he says that mothers and fathers are indeed different, “but their distinctive styles of caretaking complement each other perfectly to the advantage of children” (quoted by Culbreth, p. 72D).
It is a tragedy that society has come to the point of asking where all the fathers have gone—with so many leaving or abandoning their proper roles. If you are a father or will be at some point, you don’t have to follow the trend. Instead, by following God’s laws and true values, you can be the kind of father He wants you to be! And your children will be blessed.
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