Sex may end between the sheets, but that’s certainly not where it begins. Experts tell you what to do for a spunkier sex life…
Scented candles? Check. Kamasutra series? Check. Flavoured condoms? Double check! The paraphernalia is in place, and boy, you were never more ready. It begins with foreplay, slips into intercourse, and before you know bam it’s over — as physical as it could get and as unfulfilling as you would dread. Setting up the supplies is only the icing. What’s needed primarily is that passion for each other, which sadly isn’t enough. Here’s what you can do to increase the satisfaction quotient of your next encounter.
So what is sacred sex?
Sacred sex may be defined as the energetic union of two self-realised (or near self-realised) human beings for the purpose of celebrating the Joy of Life. It is a co-creative journey into the highest states of ecstasy and bliss under the unconditionally loving direction of the Intuitive Mind. There is no ‘end point’; the journey itself is the only destination. And the journey unfolds in stages – rather like the chapters of a book – over the course of weeks, months and years. The actual physical actions of the couple during sacred sex are largely irrelevant in the sense that there is no right or wrong way to engage with each other. Sacred sex is not a mental activity. At no point, for example, would the man ever be asking himself, am I pleasing her? There is no place for the ego in sacred sex. Both parties trust their intuitive instincts to guide them. If a couple are ‘meant’ to be in a sacred sexual relationship – and this will be self-evident from the moment they first set eyes upon one another – then their intuitive minds operate as one, ensuring that they both feel, at all times and in all places, safe and comfortable with the actions of their partner.
Sacred sex is a form of meditaction (meditative action), the “c” in this word representing compassion. Sacred sex does not necessarily involve vaginal penetration or ejaculation. It does not even require both parties to be naked. All that matters (materialises) is an underlying intention of compassion. Such a compassionate state of being comes naturally and effortlessly to the self-realised individual.
Remember, I cannot reveal the Truth to you with words. Words arise from the rational mind and are no more than signposts. Truth can only be experienced. However, I will try to be a little more specific about what I mean by a “self-realised individual”. I am referring to an in-dependent (inwardly dependent), self-loving and self-respecting person. Such an individual knows (as evidenced by the example that he sets for others) that he and he alone is responsible for his own happiness; that all the love in the Universe resides within his own heart. He does not seek love or approval from the exterior world. He does not engage in the drama (mind games) that characterise most human relationships. He knows that to love another is to want that other to be happy and free (even if he himself cannot be part of that happiness). He knows that he is responsible for everythingthat occurs within his world: all circumstances, conditions, situations and events, including those occurring on a global scale. He is a conscious co-creator of reality.
There is no such thing as being ‘in love’ with another
Love is a condition, a state of being. Love is who you really are. Life is an opportunity to be love. A person claiming to be ‘in love’ with another person is in a state of self-delusion. They are living a mental fantasy. “I am in lust” would be a more accurate statement. “I do not know myself to be love and have fooled myself into believing that I have found it in another” would be even more accurate. As I have stated in several of my previous posts, the world is not; you alone are. Anything that you perceive in your exterior world is a reflection of something in your inner world. The other person with whom you claim to be ‘in love’ is a reflection of yourself. “She makes me happy” or “He completes me” are bullshit statements. The only reason the other person appears to make you happy (in the early stages of the relationship, at least) is because you are focusing only on the positive aspects of their personality. Since they are only ever reflecting back aspects of yourself, this means you are focusing on your positive aspects. That’s why you feel good in their presence! But what happens when this person is not physically present? You long to spend more time with them. You become dependent on them to feel good about yourself. And what happens when the rose-tinted spectacles have been removed and you start seeing all your negative aspects in the mirror that they are holding before you? You file for divorce.
A self-realised individual is whole and complete in himself. The Universal Law of Attraction automatically brings other whole and complete individuals into his experience and, if he so desires, he may choose to commit to one of these individuals in the form of a sacred marriage (not to be confused with religious or legal marriage). The love that exists between the two persons is independent and freeing. There is no need to be in one another’s presence to feel loved. There is no co-dependency. There is no unhealthy attachment. There is no drama because they are always honest with themselves and each other. There is no need to compromise because both individuals are always being true to themselves. Their relationship is eternally peaceful and harmonious. They are best friends before they are lovers (if, indeed, they choose to become lovers). They reflect and enhance the love and joy that they already feel within their respective hearts, thus serving as inspirational role models for the rest of humanity. Typically, they join forces to work together on a divine mission that will serve Planet Earth.
I am very blessed to be in such a relationship myself. As described above, my ‘someone special’ and I are two whole and complete individuals. We feel each other’s love in our hearts such that – even when we are thousands of miles apart – there is no sense of separation. The spiritual connection between us is beyond profound. When I think of her and smile, she knows. And I know that she knows. We are always together because we know that we reside in one another’s hearts. We are One with ourselves, One with the Universe and One with Life. Some might call us ‘soul mates’ (an over-used and little understood term – more on this in a later post) but I prefer to think of us as Soul Reflections. We are Mirrors of Joy in which to view ourselves. We are enhancers of each other’s own happiness. I see my own love reflected and magnified in her eyes. She sees her own love reflected and magnified in mine. Our relationship is beautiful and sacred… which brings us back to the subject of this post.
What does sacred sex involve?
Given that the primary intention of this post is to reach out to fellow male spiritual seekers, I will be presenting ideas here primarily from the male’s perspective. Sacred sex is certainly possible between same-sex couples but I am limiting my discussions here to the heterosexual context since I choose to teach on the basis of my personal experience alone. Moreover, if you are interested in engaging in a sacred sexual relationship with yourself, please refer to the ‘meditative masturbation’ section in Part 2 of this series of posts.
Sacred sex begins by viewing the woman’s body as if it were the most sacred, fragile and delicate flower in the entire Universe. Each and every inch of her body is to be shown the utmost reverence and respect. The woman is to be treated like a goddess. But this is not a superficial game of “let’s pretend”. The man treats the woman like a goddess because – in his eyes – she is a goddess. Certainly, there is no sign of the aggression that can sometimes characterise the man’s attitude towards a woman’s body during carnal sex. That is not to say that sacred sex is not sensual or passionate. On the contrary, it is infinitely more sensual and passionate than carnal sex! But it requires, above all else, compassion.
Unlike carnal sex, there is no rush to ‘get down to it’ because there is no destination or goal. As I mentioned above, sacred sex is a form of meditaction. All notions of time and space fade away as the couple step fully into the present moment and celebrate life through the intimate sharing and exploration of one another’s bodies. It is not unusual for a single session of sacred sex to last several hours and much of this time is spent on what – in carnal sex terms – would be called ‘foreplay’. But the foreplay in sacred sex is not the appetiser before the entrée; it is the meditaction itself.
The early stages of a sacred sexual relationship
If you are at the very beginning of a sacred sexual relationship, your earliest practice of sacred sex is likely to take place fully clothed. Remember, your actions are always determined by the guidance provided by the One Intuitive Mind (which is unique to each couple) and so there is no right or wrong here. A useful starting point may be to sit side by side on a bed or comfortable chair, eyes closed, and to simply feel each other’s presence. At this stage, there is no need to hold hands or to physically touch one another.
Now, some of you may be thinking at this point, how is sitting next to someone fully clothed – without touching – in any way related to sex? You may recall that I defined sacred sex above as an energetic union. This is because sacred sex is infinitely more intimate than the purely physical union associated with carnal sex. The physical body is surrounded by thousands of subtle layers (or bodies) of energy – such as the mental body, emotional body, astral body and celestial body. A detailed analysis of these myriad layers is beyond the scope of this post but suffice to say sacred sex entails the union of all of these energetic bodies.
The unparalleled joy of sacred sex
Over the course of weeks and months, the couple become gradually closer and closer physically – as guided by their One Intuitive Mind. There is no specific time frame involved. It may be weeks before he feels intuitively guided to touch her face, to kiss her cheek or to stroke her hair. It may be months before she feels intuitively guided to remove his shirt and to touch his bare chest. Compassion is key. At all times, the couple simply go with the flow, allowing the situation to unfold naturally and spontaneously.
The joy that emanates from their hearts at the moment at which their fingers interlock for the very first time will be infinitely greater than any joy gleaned from the most wondrous experience of carnal sex. Each stage of the journey allows the couple to connect with ever-increasing states of joy and bliss. Both parties wait for the divinely inspired moment to intensify the level of intimacy. In this way, sacred sex may be viewed as a succession of increasingly exciting first-time moments for the couple. But remember, there is no final destination or ultimate goal. The journey is the goal and the goal is called Joy.
As the relationship becomes increasingly physical, the focus remains very much on the woman’s body. This is because only the woman is capable of experiencing multiple orgasms throughout her body. As a Scorpio male, the so-called ‘erogenous zones’ have never been a source of great mystery to me. I have always known intuitively where and how to touch, kiss or caress a woman’s body in order to evoke the greatest feelings of joy. Likewise, it is intuitively obvious to me that, while certain areas of a woman’s body are more sensitive to sexual stimulation than others, in truth, every single inch of her body is capable of experiencing orgasm. The man’s orgasm, on the other hand, is localised to one particular area (the tip of his penis). This is the reason why sacred sex focuses on the woman’s body, not the man’s.
One could be forgiven for concluding that sacred sex is a rather one-sided affair but nothing could be further from the truth. One hundred lifetimes of continual, uninterrupted carnal sex would not come even remotely close to providing the level of joy that a man experiences during the process of giving to his beloved (without the expectation of anything in return) in a sacred sexual relationship. The joy of giving is the receiving. Sacred sex is truly a source of unparalleled joy for both man and woman.
Still beating yourself up about your obsession with sex? Still searching for a way to reconcile the apparent conflict between your intention to serve Spirit and your seemingly uncontrollable sexual urges? Of course you are; that’s why you’re here!
I find it highly amusing that my original post, ‘I can’t stop thinking about sex’ (published in August 2011), has become the most popular page on my blog, receiving several visits every day. This is clearly a topic that many of you are still struggling with. It goes without saying that sex and masturbation are not the first choice of topics for your typical blogger. Well, luckily for you, I am not your typical blogger. My intention in this follow-up post is to expand on some of the insights offered in my original post, which – if you remember – took the form of a question and answer session between a male questioner and a Wise Man. I have decided to drop that format and to speak in first person this time.
Believe me, if I can make peace with my sexuality, anyone can! I am Sun in Scorpio, Moon in Scorpio, Mercury in Scorpio, Venus in Scorpio, Mars in Scorpio and Uranus in Scorpio. For the benefit of those with little knowledge of astrology, this makes me one of the most sexually charged beings on the planet. Since the age of about 13 I have been an active volcano ready to erupt at any given moment. Where my relationship with sex is concerned, I have faced more pain and transmuted more darkness than you could even begin to imagine.
Let me begin by stating the obvious: sex itself is perfectly natural. It is the primary force of creation after all. But a constant craving for the momentary ‘high’ that ejaculation brings is entirely perverted. The man who sleeps with hundreds of women and the man who uses his imagination to do so are no different; their behaviour is equally perverted. That is not intended as a statement of judgement. I have made it clear in previous posts that there is no right or wrong in this universe; there are only choices. A perversion is that which contradicts the natural order of things. And there is nothing natural about wanting to fornicate with woman after woman after woman for the purpose of satisfying insatiable carnal urges. Man in his original, pristine state has no need for such destructive and self-disrespecting behaviour.
There are forces of darkness at play here. You need to know that these energies are very real. You didn’t seriously think they were just going to roll over and allow you to reclaim your freedom without any effort on your part, did you? Where is the fun in that? You are being continually tested. You know you are being tested and yet you convince yourself that one last buff of the candlestick won’t hurt. I’ll be a purer soul tomorrow, you tell yourself. Except tomorrow never comes, does it? Because tomorrow you feel guilty about the previous night’s indiscretion. And this guilt eats away at you. “I am not worthy to walk the Spiritual Path,” you lament. And so the perverted behaviour pattern continues. The darkness prevails once again.
Every morning you tell yourself, I can be strong; I can resist those sexual urges! But once they take grip you are powerless. Your perceived need for sexual gratification is just too strong to resist. And the more you try to resist, the worse the craving becomes. A mere glance at a pair of naked legs in a coffee shop window, or the briefest shot of cleavage on a TV screen and you are feeling all hot and bothered. Before you know it, Sergeant Major is standing to attention and there is no turning back. You try to convince yourself that it is not worth it. You already know you will feel nothing but guilt, shame and disappointment. You know this is not the path to happiness. You know you will not experience any long-lasting satisfaction. But, just like a cocaine addict, you are hooked. You don’t know how to stop yourself. That promise of momentary ecstasy, that briefest glimpse of heaven, is enough to lead you astray.
You are allowing yourself to be hijacked by the forces of darkness.The forces of darkness are laughing at you. They are laughing because they know you have the power within you to destroy them. And yet you are so easy to fool. So easily rendered powerless. They know exactly when to strike: the moment you let your guard down! Feeling tired today? A little lonely, depressed or just plain bored? Then you’d better watch out!
However, the source of these manipulative energies is not external. To believe that external influences are responsible for your actions is self-delusion. Apportioning blame to an irresponsible media or the intentional manipulation of minds by a corrupt music industry is not the answer. No, these societal patterns are just reflections of lost and confused aspects of your own psyche. Remember, the world around you is nothing more than a glorified hall of mirrors. You, and you alone, are responsible.
The first and most important step to coming to terms with your sexuality is to accept 100% responsibility for it.
This in itself is a major liberation. Once we are responsible for something we have the power to change it. When we fully accept responsibility for our own sexuality then any perverted behaviour becomes a conscious choice, rather than a subconscious ‘habit’ over which we have no control.
Attention needs to be directed to your own consciousness. Yes, it seems unfair, doesn’t it? You observe other guys sleeping around. They boast about how many hundreds of girls they have bedded. You want to believe that they are not living truly fulfilled lives and yet there is a part of you that doubts this. They seem so smug, so self-satisfied. You are reluctant to let go of the idea that the more women you sleep with the happier you will be. And the thought of another romp in the hay with a fresh female body is just so God damn tempting. You have no choice but to succumb to your carnal urges, right? Wrong. Once you have assumed full responsibility for your actions, you are free to make a choice.
The desire for carnal sex is one of the greatest obstacles to a man’s ability to follow the Spiritual Path. He may have addressed all other issues and healed each and every other wound held in his subconscious but, as long as he remains a slave to sex, he is not free. And his thoughts about sex are just as (if not more) destructive than his actions.
Transcendence of the desire for carnal sex is a necessary step along the path to enlightenment.
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